Bathroom attendants…aren’t they the worst? You’re bumping to some Bon Jovi at the club, sippin on a cranberry vodka, talking to some chick whose name you forgot, and you gotta pee. Or you know, whatever. But then you see there’s a guy offering hand towels and toothpicks and mints and you gotta wonder: is it even worth it?
Passengers aboard RyanAir will now have to ask themselves the same question, as they’ll be forced to pay to use the potty if they’re on board. And so if you’re gridlocked on the runway, how much will you have to shell up to access the bathroom? 1 euro, or as I think of it, more than you should ever have to pay to relieve yourself.
Dr. Steven Soifer, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work, agrees with me. That’s probably because he is also the co-founder of the American Restroom Association and Shy Bladder Center - two places I would work if fate ever played a roll in employment. Read more…
Another year, another Super Bowl without a poop ad. Had CBS possessed an inkling of marketing chops, the network would know that the following ad would not only make men eat more Snickers, but would raise the respectability of the nation’s leading station:
Following a call of an alleged dead body found in the backyard of a vacant home, police rushed to the scene of the ‘crime.’
It was around 7:30 pm, or after dinner in Prankster time, when police arrived on scene where the suspicious thing was covered up in blankets. That thing was no dead body…
It was a pile of dog shit!
Someone or some group of masterminds collected enough dog feces to resemble a rotting human corpse. THEN, they covered it in blankets to arouse suspicion and called the cops to reveal what was a colossal waste of everybody’s time. Even the dogs’.
Well done, sirs.
If I were the cops, I’d be issuing a photo likeness of Pierce Brosnan because that is some Thomas Crown Affair style pranking.
Unfortunately, many are the times when good things go bad - like Britney Spears, milk, the Titanic, and most regretably, poop. Pooping is generally a pleasurable experience; a release of buildup. But sometimes, even poop can go wrong. Here are just some of the disturbing news stories concerning poop in the past week:
Lexington, KY - a 32-year old man, Craig Shearer, was accused of beating his girlfriend’s four-year old son and forcing the child to ingest feces to punish him for bathroom accidents.
Marshfield, WI - Michael Stockman, held in a jail in Wood County, wrote a threatening letter on his cell wall to a judge. Penless, Stockman used his own feces.
Austin, TX - Emily McDonald was arrested for repeatedly putting feces in her hospitalized three-year old daughter’s feeding tube, a la Mischa Barton’s mom in The Sixth Sense. McDonald likely suffers from Münchausen syndrome, which makes people inflict harm on others for attention. If she uses it as an aleby in court, she will almost certainly become satan’s #1 prospect (move over Madoff).
Sanford, Fla. - the “horse capital of the world” is getting energy these days in the form of manure. Sanford’s system - removing moisture from treated wastewater sludge and converting it into thermal energy - marks the “country’s first gasification facility for municipal sewage,” and will save $8 million in natural gas expenses over the project’s 20-year lifespan. Sanford is proud to re-brand the term “horsepower.”
Chanhassen, MN - “Poop is poop” and to the residents of this Minnesota town, it’s become too much. Multiple residents complained of a compost heap for the nearby University of Minnesota Landscape Arboretum that smelled worse than your average compost heap. This spring, the builders began adding more organic materials - a change that has put many residents on house arrest. Watch the hilarious video here.
