Rule #1 - It is natural for your muscles to relax when peeing. It is also natural for a man to get aroused when reading Maxim at the local Border’s. Does that mean it’s acceptable to T.C.O.B.? No - sometimes you have to restrain yourself.
Rule #2 - A public bathroom isn’t always empty when it’s quiet. Please, do a thorough check of the stalls if you think you’ll need to fart at the urinal.
Rule #3 - Grunting noises are unacceptable. Million Dollar Baby is a sad movie, but I refuse to cry at the end. You must fight the urge to audibly express the sensation you’re feeling.
Remember when you were potty trained? I don’t. I was a baby. I can tell you one thing, though - it probably took more than three days.
3-day Potty Training is out to change that, one unsuspecting diaper doodoo at a time. The method, introduced by Lora Jensen, aka the Huggies Hitler (see photo), developed a three-day proven method to ‘gently’ coax the most stubborn toddler into using the john. But if you don’t believe me, take a look at the testimonials:
When it comes to a taboo subject like poop, there’s no doubt: the Japanese do it best.
For one reason or another, Japanese culture breeds openness: whether it be men holding hands in the street, S&M themed clubs, or butchering Britney Spears at a karaoke bar, there is no shame. Thus, the culture is geared to handle open discourse of poop, as early as child rearing…
I kinda wish my parents showed me this when I was young. I actually don’t remember how they taught me to use the toilet, but it sure didn’t include tigers and a wee-wee jingle. I blame my current anal retention on my inability to find music in the art of crapping. And my parents. I blame them, too.
It was probably the worst experience of my life: as a freshman in college who had never missed a day of class, nor any days in the four previous years of high school, my perfect attendance record was threatened by poop.
Although, for the first three days, the poop look more like pee - some nasty runny liquids issuing from the wrong side of my body - I hadn’t yet become worried. But when the shit turned black, I was scared and intrigued. What does that mean?
Apparently, black bowel movements signify blood passing through the stomach. This is due to oxidation of hemoglobin iron by stomach acid. It will also tend to be more sticky than your average diarrhea.
Blood passing through the stomach. That sounds awful. But I also couln’t eat. I was going every 30 minutes, losing lots of liquids, and subsequently 7 lbs in four days. When I went to the university health center, they made me take a stool sample. As if it wasn’t bad enough to be shitting black - I now had to catch the wild spray in a tiny little cup.
Ever wonder how to make fake poop? Well, lucky there is a site called “Wonder How To” that features a video on that very topic.
Frankly, I’m jealous I didn’t come up with this low-budget version on my own, but I give credit when credit’s due, or doodoo.
If I’m ever a substitute teacher for second grade, this will be my craft assignment for the day. “Children, take this cardboard roll, soak it, shred it into pieces, put it back together, and place it on your parents’ pillow tonight.”
We all can get restless on the pot, especially when you know you will hit the 10 min mark. When a good magazine is out of reach the cell phone is usually a quick source of entertainment. Lately it is becoming the primary form of toilet distractions due to some location appropriate iphone apps.
The-Gadgeter.com recently reviewed 10 of the iphone apps available with a common toilet theme. Here are some of the most promising apps. For a complete list you can go here.
1. Bathroom Racer - (nortaf development - $.99) - In this game, you drive a race car shaped pile of poop to the toilet. The object is to get the fastest time.
2. iFart - (LOL Software - $.99) - AKA the ultimate fart machine this app is self explanatory.
3. Brown Note - (LOL Software $.99) - The most interesting app available. The Brown Note claims to play generated noises that will cause you to have a bowel movement. Although this sounds like a pranksters messy dream, there is no scientific evidence to back up this claim.
4. Poo Log - (Avatar Labs -$1.99) - This app allows you to time your poops and log the outcome in a variety of categories. What you do with this compiled data is up to you.
It was probably the worst experience of my life: as a freshman in college who had never missed a day of class, nor any days in the four previous years of high school, my perfect attendance record was threatened by poop.
