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Thanks to all of you who have stuck with us like a dingleberry.

J & C

Number Two Guide

Gordita Chrunch

We are a messed up generation with too much time on our hands (says the guy who writes for a blog about poop).  The latest number to enter the poop scene is what is known as the “Taco Bell Diaper Party.”  No, it’s not a redneck baby shower, it’s much worse.

To start, it’s not a party; it’s a game.  Like any game, there are winners and losers.   The rules to this game are simple, but needed because if it were not for the rules, everyone who plays would just be a loser.

Here’s how it works:

Step 1:  Gather a few friends and order a ton of Taco Bell

Step 2:  Buy diapers

Step 3: Go home, remove pants and put on diapers

Step  4: Lock bathroom doors

Step 5:  Eat as much Taco Bell as possible

Step 6: Last one to poop their diapers wins!

The reviews of this game speak for themselves:

“There is a thin line between a genius and insane marketing campaign.”  - CEO Taco Bell

“I imagine this is what college kids did during the prohibition to entertain themselves.” - The NY Times

“Watching a fat person play this is like watching an alcoholic play a drinking game.” - Oprah

The log was discovered by an archaeologist in 1991 at the bottom of a roadside hole. However, the poop was not displayed to the public until recently. When questioned on the exhibits delay the archeologist who discovered the poop said, “After the dig my colleagues asked me if I had found anything of value, to which I replied, ‘just shit’. When no one seemed excited I figured it was worthless”.

Several years later the archeologist discovered the poops significance and now it is one of the museums most popular exhibits.

David Rice from the Gloucester Museum noted  how rare a find like this truly is, “It’s become mineralised so all the soft bits have become very hard. The soil conditions it was found in were very special.”

Scientist have been using the log to study the health of individuals in the Saxon times and to better understand their diet.

Whenever you want to feel worthless just remember that a 1000 year old piece of poop makes more money in a year than you do. Move over Cash4Gold and make room for Poop4Gold.

With that in mind, if you want to save enough money to put your great (x 10) grandkids through college than do them a favor – poop in a jar. Keep the jar in a safety deposit box and include specific instructions in your will not to flush. People might call you crazy now, but 1000 years from now they might just travel back in time to shake your hand. After all, it was your poop that put little Jimmy the XXII through college, giving him the knowledge needed invent time travel.

Behold the power of poop.

Deadly Combo

From: CorbanDallas

I had been living in Costa Rica for nearly two years and had already experienced many episodes of diarrhea, but nothing could have prepared me for what was soon going to invade my poor body…submitted for the approval of the Number Two Guide society, I call this story: The Tale of Cryptosporidiosis

I was enjoying a quiet weekend in the small South Caribbean town of Puerto Viejo.  A surfing village with great beaches, exquisite Caribbean cuisine, friendly locals, tourists from around the world, and annoying cracked out ex-pats.  I was drinking the water, eating the food, sharing the bathroom and showers at the hostel, which was nothing out of the ordinary.  Everything seemed fine…until I was leaving, taking the bus back to my house — two hours north of this fine port city.

Suddenly, it felt like something was eating the inside of my stomach.  It was painful and I wanted it out of my body.  Luckily, (well not so luckily because I was still on the bus) my body was one step ahead and initiated the abort sequence.  I felt like I was going to vomit and have an episode of diarrhea at the same time.  I managed to control my bodily functions for the next twenty minutes, which happened to be the worst twenty minutes of my life.

When the bus made its first stop I jumped off immediately, ran to the bathroom, vomited, and then instantly spun around on the toilet to diarrhea. I barely beat my internal clock that would have made me diarrhea in my pants.  I didn’t even have time flush the vomit, disgusting, but I had no choice.

These episodes continued for a few days with constant vomiting and diarrhea every time I tried to eat or drink.  I could hardly sleep because I was in the bathroom every 15 minutes for 48 consecutive hours.

I finally decided to see the local doctor in the undeveloped town where I lived.  The doctor gave me a shot and some pills that seemed to help a little bit, but unfortunately my symptoms continued for the next few days.  I had no choice but to see internal specialists at the hospital in the capital city, San Jose.

The doctor recommended that I give a stool sample to be analyzed in the laboratory.  Have you ever tried pooping in a small plastic container the size of a Dixie cup with explosive diarrhea? Not easy, not fun.

Anyway, the doctor found that I had a small parasite living in my stomach and colon, and that it was most likely contracted through drinking water, eating uncooked food, or sharing showers or swimming pools with another infected person.  The doctor gave me the proper pills and the vomiting began to stop, but the diarrhea and unsettled stomach continued for almost two more weeks.

It was the worst illnesses I have ever had.  Please do not put yourself through it.  Read up on the facts of Cryptosporidiosis and learn how it can be prevented:

http://www.cdc.gov/crypto/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cryptosporidiosis

After the game Chan Ho Park was interviewed about both performances and was asked, “Why did you perform so much better the in the second game?”  Chan Ho Park did not spare any details and gave the most honest answer ever provided by a professional athlete.

When you’re pitching on the mound and something starts to stir around…diarrhea Chan Chan Chan.

When you’re throwing the heat and you feel something creep towards your feet…diarrhea Chan Chan Chan.

Bowels don’t fly free

Bathroom attendants…aren’t they the worst? You’re bumping to some Bon Jovi at the club, sippin on a cranberry vodka, talking to some chick whose name you forgot, and you gotta pee. Or you know, whatever. But then you see there’s a guy offering hand towels and toothpicks and mints and you gotta wonder: is it even worth it?

Passengers aboard RyanAir will now have to ask themselves the same question, as they’ll be forced to pay to use the potty if they’re on board. And so if you’re gridlocked on the runway, how much will you have to shell up to access the bathroom? 1 euro, or as I think of it, more than you should ever have to pay to relieve yourself.

Dr. Steven Soifer, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work, agrees with me. That’s probably because he is also the co-founder of the American Restroom Association and Shy Bladder Center - two places I would work if fate ever played a roll in employment.

“Whether it’s shy bladder or incontinence, it’s a medical condition that affects tens of millions of people in the U.S.,” Soifer said. He even cries discrimination against those who have less control of their bladders. “It is a human right to freely eliminate yourself,” he added. Not the word I would typically use to describe relieving bodily fluids (yo, i’m gonna go eliminate myself in the bushes over here).

Jen Harper, now an honorary poop blogger for Grist (if you’ve written at least one story on poop, you deserve this honor), is certainly not a fan of the pay to spray, or dough to go policy. However, she notes a key environmental benefit of encouraging fewer bathroom trips and installing fewer bathrooms (which RyanAir has done, going from 3 to 1):

“Using the bathroom at the airport is more environmentally friendly than the airplane potty - every flush in the plane’s lavatory uses enough fuel to run a car for six miles, since airplanes use powered vacuums instead of gravity to flush.”

So for the bowel-challenged, yes this is a nuisance. And for the everyday human who has the right to use the bathroom, free of charge (especially when you’re paying to ride on the airplane!), yes this is a nuisance. But to the environment, it’s all about the dough to go, baby.

What will they think of cutting next? Seatbelts? Oh wait, they’ve already instituted standing room only on RyanAir. Snacks? Long gone. Leg room? You better believe that’s getting smaller. Please, just don’t do away with SkyMall. I will have nothing left.

A Bubblin' Crude

INDIANA –  Manure pools the size of small houses are forming near cow pastures creating weapons of mass destruction.

In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, local farmer Allen Hutchison said, “If that thing back there blows, God help us all for miles.”

Hutchison and others have  a plan to deal with these “dairy bubbles.”  The strategy requires some serious equipment: A gas mask, a small boat, and a swiss army knife.  Full details can be found here.

There is talk of a television show that will portray the events leading up to the creation of the poop bubbles.  Here is how the whole incident started:

Old Jed was out shooting up some food, when out of the ground came a bubblin crude.

Poop that is.  Brown gold.  Indiana tea.

Well the first thing you know old Jeds smellin’ like a steer.

Kinfolk say, “Wipe, here’s a square.”

Said, “On a toilet is the place you ought to be.”

So they loaded up the water tank and flushed it with the pee.

Urine that is.  Swimming pools.  Movie stars.

Well now it’s time to flush Jed and all his kin.

And they would like to thank you poops for kindly droppin’ in.

You’re all invited back again to this poop sanctuary.

To see an explodin’ bubble take out every tree.

Poop that is.  Sit a spell, take your pants off.

Y’all come back now, y’hear?

No Pissy Farters Allowed

Rule #1 - It is natural for your muscles to relax when peeing. It is also natural for a man to get aroused when reading Maxim at the local Border’s. Does that mean it’s acceptable to T.C.O.B.? No - sometimes you have to restrain yourself. 

Rule #2 - A public bathroom isn’t always empty when it’s quiet. Please, do a thorough check of the stalls if you think you’ll need to fart at the urinal.

Rule #3 - Grunting noises are unacceptable. Million Dollar Baby is a sad movie, but I refuse to cry at the end. You must fight the urge to audibly express the sensation you’re feeling.

Rule #4 - If you happen to accidentally fart while at the urinal:

• In the presence of someone you know - acknowledge it, either with an ‘excuse me,’ dorky laugh, or ‘whoops’
• In the presence of a stranger - act like nothing happened

Farting at the urinal is a different beast than farting in a stall. If you can, relegate the public bathroom fart only to the privacy of the stall. When you’re at a urinal, you’re out in the open, and I see it as no different than: farting in line at the movie theater; farting at the dinner table when you’re saying grace; farting during your acceptance speech at the Oscar’s; or farting at your grandfather’s funeral, during the eulogy.

The public bathroom is a public space. Rule #5 - treat is as such.

Ok so I was at summer camp and we were on a super long hike. I REALLY had to go! So I asked my friend what i Should do because I was about to crap myself! She said go to the back of the line then get off the trail. And thats just what i did. I dont have very good direction apperently because i ended up in FRONT of the line. I didn’t see them so i dropped my pants and the stuff started coming! But then I heard them coming. I pulled my pants as fast as I could. But the stuff was still coming! So every one saw me crap myself and for the rest of the trail I had to wear my messy pants. And when I say messy, I mean it was diarrhea and was comming down my legs!!!!

But after the trail it got even worse!The camp made me wear a diaper for the month! I was 13!!! So now every time I go to camp they ask me if I need my diaper changed!!! Oh and for a prank my cabin mates feed me baby food and wrote “change me” on my face then duct taped me to the boys cabin deck. So all the boys saw me in my diaper and a t-shirt!

Flamming bag of poop. A lost art?

The noise violation hung on 18 year old Andrew Charles Donahue’s fridge as a constant reminder of the neighbor that betrayed him.  Every day as Donahue reached for the milk the ticket mocked him, but what was it that pushed him over the edge?

Was it the fine he had to pay? Maybe.  Was it the early end to the noisy party that had potential to be the best party of the year?  Perhaps.  Was it the excess milk in each bowl of cereal that was the result of staring at the noise violation as he poured his milk?  Doubtful.

After years of psychological analysis no one really understands what is going on in the mind of an arsonist.   However, there is one known fact: Andrew Charles Donahue was seeking revenge.

The plan was devious, yet so simple it could only be crafted by an arsonist mastermind.  One bag, one lighter, one doorbell, and of course one nasty piece of dog poop.

Donahue had one major personality flaw.  He was a perfectionist. .. and he was drunk.   Before the bag of poop entered into the plot Donahue and his unnamed accomplices performed a successful trial run on Wayne Pickens, the  neighbor, using only a lit newspaper.

Wayne Pickens was not born yesterday.  No sir.  Wayne Pickens is no fool.  He knew Donahue would return to the scene of the crime.    This time Pickens would be ready.

Hiding behind a bush with video camera rolling Pickens spotted Donahue approaching.  This time Donahue was packing the poop.  Before Donahue had a chance to light the goods Pickens was on him like a fly on poop.

Tackled and pinned to the ground Donahue’s crime spree was finally over.  The Greely Colorado police booked Donahue early Sunday February 7, 2010.  They charged him with first-degree arson, reckless endangerment, criminal mischief, and possession of alcohol by a minor.  Full details can be found here.

A parade will be held in Wayne Pickens honor.  The town of Greely has also launched a new ad campaign starring Wayne Pickens aimed at dog owners who don’t pick up after their pets.  Wayne can be seen on posters with the tag line, “Hi I’m Wayne Pickens, and I’m Pick-ens up the poop!”

Although most are hailing Wayne as a local hero others are asking, “What happened to the golden rule”? — Don’t call the cops on a bunch of noisy kids unless you are cool with having a flaming bag of dog poop on your front porch.