Out Of Toilet Paper Guide
- The dreaded cardboard roll
We have all been in the situation where you find yourself on the can with no TP. Either you forgot to check before you sat down, or you decided to risk it with a slim-looking roll only to come up a few wipes short. The situation is very similar to running out of gas in the middle of the highway. If you find yourself in this predicament there are a few steps to follow which are different depending on if you are at work or at home:
At Home:
1. Search and rescue - Take a look around the bathroom for an additional roll. Be sure to look in the cupboards and drawers. This can require a bit of duck walking (with your pants around your ankles, aka the three-legged race) so be careful not to trip, and make sure you have nothing hanging on below! Also, Kleenex can make a great quick substitute, though the tissue isn’t as durable and will likely break apart between your butt cheeks.
2. Call for help! - If you know someone else is home that will aide you in the situation without being a dick about the whole thing then calling for help is always the best option. Although you are in a crisis, please think of the other person and give a courtesy flush before they make that daring one second no-look-rush into the bathroom to throw you a roll.
3. Extend the duck walk - If necessary you may have to duck walk out into the hallway to look around for the extra TP. Again, this can be as tricky as a three-legged race, so make sure to pace yourself. Look in closets for the additional TP supply. If necessary hit up the kitchen for paper towels or napkins.
- sexy duck walk
4. Last resort - If you still find yourself out of luck it is best to turn to the shower. Hopefully this poop was not too sloppy. The shower is basically an upside-down stand up bidet. If for some reason the water is not running that day…..best of luck.
At Work:
1. Solo mission - If no one is in the bathroom with you dash quickly into another stall. It is best to pull off the pants, but not to button or zip up, and definitely don’t tuck in the shirt. You don’t want someone to walk in while you are duck walking to another stall; you will never hear the end of it. Be sure to check and make sure you have nothing hanging.
2. Spare a square - If there is someone in an adjacent stall, pull an Elaine Benes and ask for a spare square of TP. It helps if you know the person, but if not, take the risk and ask a stranger. If they deny you, find out who they are and the next time you see them go to the bathroom, beat them to it and horde all the TP in your stall. If you have a three stall environment and the third stall is open you can attempt the stall switch. This works best if the person cannot see your shoes.
3. Out of luck - If the other stalls are empty as well, or you have a single stall environment, then check the paper towels. If your office goes with the hand dryer then your options are limited. Is there any reading material lying around? (cartoon example here). Worst case scenario you can always remove your underwear and use it. This is a risky maneuver. Be prepared to go bare for the rest of the day. Also, do not attempt to flush the underwear, it is better to throw it away. You will create a clog. If you are already hanging in the breeze then you have to suck it up and walk to another bathroom sans wipe.
If you are reading this post on your mobile phone while stuck in the bathroom withough TP, I bid you good luck. You could also try calling someone on your phone…
