The Destroyer– Bringer of Death
In video games, there are a number of terms for the ultimate tool of destruction: BFG (Big Fucking Gun), The Redeemer, The Golden Gun – all of which are one shot one kill. But none of these terms do justice to the weapon of mass destruction The Destroyer possesses.
This person can wipe out nostrils regardless of cement barriers and render the bathroom a war zone for up to 30 minutes.
Unlike Jesus, The Destroyer commands no followers. But similarly, he/she should be studied closely. It is very important to know the patterns of The Destroyer, to avoid incidents in which you directly follow or, God forbid, share this person’s time in the bathroom. The absolute worst case scenario is to have a Destroyer in the office who is also a Talker. Should you find yourself in bathroom concurrently, and should The Destroyer strike up a conversation, you will be forced to inhale.
Typically, The Destroyer does not know his/her own strength. If this is true, they can be forgiven their trespasses. However, some Destroyers are conscious of their abilities and continue to subject co-workers on a daily basis.
1. If a Destroyer happens to be an Announcer, pay close attention to their subliminal or overt intentions to defecate.
2. Track their time, preferred bathroom and stall. If you are forced to share bathrooms, be on opposite schedules.
3. Apply a small amount of Carmex lip balm underneath your nostrils if you must follow.
4. Make them conscious – cautiously enter the bathroom and shout “Ugh, it smells like dead pigmes in here” in a disguised voice.
5. If you are The Destoyer, please, please take pity on everyone else.