Rule #1 – It is natural for your muscles to relax when peeing. It is also natural for a man to get aroused when reading Maxim at the local Border’s. Does that mean it’s acceptable to T.C.O.B.? No – sometimes you have to restrain yourself.
Rule #2 – A public bathroom isn’t always empty when it’s quiet. Please, do a thorough check of the stalls if you think you’ll need to fart at the urinal.
Rule #3 – Grunting noises are unacceptable. Million Dollar Baby is a sad movie, but I refuse to cry at the end. You must fight the urge to audibly express the sensation you’re feeling.
Rule #4 – If you happen to accidentally fart while at the urinal:
- In the presence of someone you know – acknowledge it, either with an ‘excuse me,’ dorky laugh, or ‘whoops’
- In the presence of a stranger – act like nothing happened
Farting at the urinal is a different beast than farting in a stall. If you can, relegate the public bathroom fart only to the privacy of the stall. When you’re at a urinal, you’re out in the open, and I see it as no different than: farting in line at the movie theater; farting at the dinner table when you’re saying grace; farting during your acceptance speech at the Oscar’s; or farting at your grandfather’s funeral, during the eulogy.
The public bathroom is a public space. Rule #5 – treat is as such.